Two sisters.

Two different homes.

Two different last names.

Not what was expected. Not what was wanted. Not what was hoped.

Celebration tinged with mourning.

Joy scented with sorrow.

Four became three.

Her decision.

Confusion.

Guilt.

Relief.

Fourteen months.

Peace forgotten.

Home a sanctuary no more.

Happiness a chore.

Dig deep.

Find love.

Show it.

Even when she rejects it.

Squanders it.

Uses it.

Uses you.

Hates you.

Try anything, everything.

Let her go.

Choose life.

Choose stability.

Choose peace.

For your daughter.

Choose.

You must.

Rejoice.

Grieve.

Rage.

Laugh.

Weep.

Accept.

Forgive.

Heal.

Love.

Yes.

Always love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We finalized the adoption of our daughter on October 30th. It was a brilliantly beautiful day, and we feel incredibly fortunate to be the parents of our amazing girl.

The elation and satisfaction surrounding our successful adoption obscured, for a time, the complicated emotions surrounding the failed adoption of our daughter’s sister and the fourteen months of experiences we shared with her. I am working through some of those emotions, primarily anger, right now.

I want to be the person of the last six lines above. I actively work to be that person. I am not there yet. I wrote those six lines as a hope, a belief that I will move beyond this place of anger, this place of avoiding her as much as possible, this place of negativity whenever I think of her, and grow even closer to being the person I ultimately want to be. But I am not there yet.