One of the cardinal rules of successful blogging is to post regularly, ideally on the same day(s) of the week, every week. It is an excellent rule, but, like many of the ‘rules’ in life, I have some difficulty abiding by it.
When I started P&O, I committed to being as authentic as possible in my writing. Recently, I discovered the fatal flaw in this plan–it is nearly impossible to be genuine and open with others when hiding something from yourself. A couple weeks ago, I sat down to write a post and, although I knew exactly what I wanted to write about, everything that I typed rang false. After walking away and coming back and walking away again and repeating this process on and off all day, I decided that I would just have to be okay with a week of P&O silence. Thank whatever powers that be that there was snow the following week and I could get away with a photo post! It was a perfect opportunity to write about something delightfully innocuous and stave off another week of the dreaded silent blog.
Realizing that everything serious I attempted to write sounded contrived as soon as the words left my fingertips gave me the opportunity to do one of my favorite things and retreat into my mind. Imagining my mind as a house made it easier to see that I had stored some anger towards myself and toward another person behind a locked door that I was trying to pretend did not even exist. In a misguided attempt to avoid what I feared would be devastating emotional consequences if I acknowledged the anger, I refused to see the door, much less step through it. But as long as that door remained locked, I could not access genuine emotions of any depth. The feelings I like feeling were just as closed off to me as the feelings I hate feeling. And, without emotional honesty, everything I wrote sounded false. I had to open my eyes, find the anger, sit with it, learn from it, and let it be. And when I did, I found myself and my voice again.
Because of my vision for P&O, I would rather be silent than fake. I would rather break the rules for successful blogging than sell out my values trying to follow them. While there have been (and will be) times when poor planning and a busy schedule keep me from posting regularly, sometimes the silence here is the sound of my absence as I am off playing a frustrating but worthwhile game of hide and seek with myself.